PAS - To Parents of Alienated Children

I acknowledge the power of suggestion and influence on both children and adults.

The most frequently asked question of an alienated parent is, "Will my children return?"

Alienating parents obsessively have their children become preoccupied with unjustified deprecation and criticism of the targeted parent; this deprecation and criticism occurs in the absence of a rational and legitimate cause.

(This is not a situation in which the targeted parent has shown any abuse or neglect.) Some believe that when natural maturation occurs and children are able to think for themselves, that is when they begin the process to reconcile.

Alienating parents are obsessed with intentionally destroying the relationship between the child and the targeted parent. To this end, the alienating parent will lie to the child about the targeted parent’s true feelings or induce the child to believe that the targeted parent is harmful by going to great extremes. There will be an attempt to erase the targeted parent from the child’s life forever.

It has been estimated that only 5 percent of PAS children do not reconcile. Others disagree.

There are similarities among the cases of anecdotal stories of those rejected parents whose children have returned, some of their own free will. Among these cases, the similarities suggest that three factors are important: One is ongoing contact of some kind with your child, especially around milestones like birthdays, graduations, or other important events. Cards, phone calls, or letters may be misinterpreted as harassment, but on the other hand, they may just be important reminders to your child that you exist and you care.

The second important factor is that you do not give up hope. Accept what is happening, choose to go on with your own life, but always maintain hope. It is a thread that runs through stories of successful reconciliations. Figure out what it takes for you to stay hopeful, even without months or years of reciprocity or acknowledgment of your efforts. For some, a support group, church attendance, counseling, journal writing, Yoga, or meditation classes have helped. For others, writing a loving "final" letter of acceptance has helped and even started a reconciliation process.

Whatever it is, find it, practice, it and do it.

Hope is closely connected to staying inspired. Read about other reunited cases and perhaps you will find ideas to help you.

Remember what said," Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."

The third important factor is community support. Closely akin to the idea that it takes a village to raise a child , it takes a community to intervene on behalf of PAS children.

As Clawar and Rivlin point out in their landmark book Children Held Hostage, "the legal system in most states is not currently adequate to protect children from this form of abuse."

Mental health professionals, teachers and coaches, attorneys, family members, friends and others who discover the brainwashing process "have an obligation to intervene on behalf of the child" just as they would for other forms of child abuse. Intervention can take the form of bringing to light the themes of the alienator's belief system or program. One common theme called denial of existence sends the message to the child that the other parent is not significant and that they do not matter because of mistakes they have made. Children are not allowed to talk about the parent, express joy about the parent and are given a subtle, but clear message to refuse to acknowledge the parent at social functions. There are other themes that you can read about in Children Held Hostage.

Extended family especially have an obligation to intervene to help children by bringing to light the brainwashing and offering communications to correct the alienator's misrepresentation of reality.

Children always lose when they don't feel free to love both parents. Studies reveal that geographical distance from the alienator and more time with the rejected parent is also a powerful factor in reconciliation. There are cases of children reconciling, even as adults, and even after years of being alienated. Some adult children return with feelings of guilt for the way they have treated their rejected parent. They experience anger and betrayal at the parent who deceived them into believing lies and manipulating their emotions.

Some require treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder before being able to address the alienation issues and the ways in which their part in the alienation process has affected their adult lives. Although the missed years can never be restored, they can be forgiven. You can go forward and establish meaningful connections once again. Others have gone before you; you can too.

Children and Adult children who are victims of PAS present with the following symptoms:

1. Preoccupation with unjustified deprecation, criticism, and “hate” of the targeted parent.
2. Weak, frivolous, or absurd reasons for the depreciation of the targeted parent.
3. A lack of ambivalence for parents—one parent is totally loved and one parent is totally hated.
4. Absence of guilt for behavior shown toward the targeted parent.
5. Insistence that the decision to reject the target parent is their own and not from the other parent.
6. A reflexive unconditional support for the alienating parent.
7. Use of arguments that seem to be adopted wholesale from the alienating parent (e.g., the use of adult concepts and interpretations).
8. Alienation that broadens to the entire family of the targeted parent.

Dore Frances, M.A., A.C.C. offers a variety of coaching services in support of families who are are struggling. I assist parents individually and those who have a struggling child, teen or young adult